Call It What You Want
by Nothing Really Specific
Summary: Panchito and Puss appear on the David Letterman Late Show. It's a roast story, making fun of the stories that I have already written and their respected movies. Chaos, comedy, fights, all the joys of a roast, and having two polar opposites in a room together. You'll laugh, be shocked, and hopefully, read the stories that are mentioned. Rated M: Strong Language.


**Call It What You Want But It's Not a Costume Party With Kids**

A parody of _Panchito: Season One_ and _Rise for Momentous Occasions_

I realized that I made a mistake with this. I may have offended some people in that way that I have portrayed Puss and Kitty's relationship. The intention of this is show the message of "Rise for Momentous Occasions" which is, you don't have to be a cold blooded killer to get the message across, violence and vulgarity are not the answer to any problem. Profanity is the result of a weak mind trying to express itself.

This is all to **prove a point: **Puss's character is an example on how **not to act** with people.

**This is a collaboration project I did with TheNewIdea. Check out his stuff too, it's really good. Also, check out the stories that this one is based off of (Panchito :Season One and Rise for Momentous Occasions) Enjoy :)**

(While writing this, I listened to "Call It What You Want" by Foster the People and "Costume Party" and "Kids" both by Two Door Cinema Club. Hence the title of the story)

This is a parody of my own stories, where the characters do a roast of each other and the stories, and the original material that the characters came from.

Setting: The David Letterman Late Show

Characters: David Letterman, Panchito, Puss in Boots, Foghorn Leghorn (briefly- I know Foghorn isn't Disney but he only appears for a line or two so it really doesn't matter besides he's part of a joke), Kitty Softpaws (briefly)

###

Letterman (smiles, very excitedly): Ladies and Gentlemen, we are honored to have two very special guests here tonight, directly from the Nothing Really Specific Fanfiction Story Vault, please welcome Panchito and Puss!

Panchito and Puss enter. Puss sits in the closest chair. Panchito sits on the farther.

Letterman looks at Puss

Letterman: So, Puss

Puss: Si?

Letterman: Oh great, he's speaking Spanish (turns to the side, looking behind him). Can we get a translator

Puss laughs

Puss: Lo siento senor! I'll speak English from now on, promise

Letterman: Promise?

Puss (smiles slyly): No

Letterman: Okay, moving on. (pauses) What's so different about this new story of yours?

Puss: Well, it's not fucking stupid if that's what you mean.

Letterman: Are you saying that your own movie was stupid?

Puss (nods): It was a disgraceful shame (looks into camera). Fuck you DreamWorks (flips off camera).

Panchito (laughs): You're ass is so fired!

Puss (looks at Panchito, smiling): At least I'm actually doing something

Panchito: What does that supposed to mean?

Puss: You've been in that Disney vault for seventy years hombre, you're a fucking history piece!

Panchito: At least I'm not a stereotypical child's fable

Puss: Better than being a racist stereotype

Panchito: Oh really, and what are you? A parody of yourself!

Puss: Si, I'm the most unoriginal character on the map. The only original is this bozo over here (points to Letterman). Oh wait, I misspoke, I thought I was talking to Dick Clark.

(Audience gasps in shock)

Puss: What, too soon?

Letterman: Yeah a little bit

Puss: Oh come on, he's been dead for like what, a year now, I mean I'm sorry that he's dead but seriously, let him go! He hosts Heaven's Rockin' New Year's Eve party now. I know, mi padre told me so.

Panchito: Is your father dead?

Puss: Si (hangs head). He was killed by Bastidas.

Panchito: The famous explorer?

Puss: Si senor, but hey, if you're going to be killed, die by a guy in the history books.

Panchito: Does that count for about six million people?

Puss: Y- (turns towards Panchito) do you have a mental condition?

Panchito: I'm mentally insane

Puss: Schizophrenia?

Panchito: No

Puss: Psychopath?

Panchito: Possibly, I'm waiting for the results, but I did get a notice

Puss: Really, what did it say?

Panchito (pulls out notice from pocket): Dear Mr. Pistoles, due to your condition as being unidentifiable, we recommend that you go into a hole, crawl into it, and never come out. The world will benefit greatly from this, and scientists conclude that it will result in world peace and will help them find the cure for cancer. Best get to it quickly, if the world ends, we'll know who to blame. Sincerely, then there's a long list of about thirty leading scientists, mathematicians, politicians, and doctors. (puts notice back in his pocket) I have no clue what it's talking about.

Puss (sly glance towards Panchito): So, you have to die?

Panchito: Well I think it was a figure of speech but

(Puss wields sword, standing up in his chair, getting in his fighting stance)

Puss: Levántense!

Panchito nods slowly and rises

Panchito smiles slyly

Panchito: Are you sure about this senor?

Puss: Do you crow in the morning?

Panchito: No I don't

Puss: Oh, well, does Foghorn Leghorn?

Foghorn Leghorn stands, he is in the audience

Foghorn Leghorn: I say I say I resent that remark sir (walks up to stage, getting in Puss's face) I in fact do not crow in the morning I sing thank you very much.

Puss (smiles, grabs Foghorn's neck): Personally, (pulls Foghorn closer) I don't give a fuck if you sing like Elvis and dance like Fred Astaire.

Foghorn: Now look here boy there's no need to

Puss: No need to what (raises sword to Foghorn's neck). I love my chicken to be fried, crispy, with a side of mashed potatoes.

Foghorn: So

Puss: Get it before you turn into it.

Foghorn nods and rushes off the stage and out the door

Puss (yelling towards Foghorn): I suggest you hurry, before there's one less rooster in the room! (Looks at Panchito)

Panchito looks at Puss a bit afraid

Puss: Lo siento senor, but I'm hungry

Letterman: There are some ribs over-

Puss flips Letterman off

Letterman: Got it. Okay, next question, this is for Panchito. What do you think is going to happen next with you guys?

Panchito: Well let's put it this way Davy (leans back comfortably). I just hope that a certain someone doesn't up and ruin my life.

Letterman: Really, who?

Panchito: My mother in law- Doris

Puss (chuckles): My mother in law's name was Doris

Panchito: Really, what happened to her

Puss: Fell in a deep fryer.

Panchito: Geez, lo siento

Puss: Don't be sorry, she was a bitch.

Panchito: How did she fall into the fryer?

Puss: I sort of "pushed" her in

Panchito: Great, you're a psychopath!

Puss: Oh thanks for noticing, I'm diagnosed

Letterman: Are you really?

Puss flips Letterman off

Letterman: Speaking of family, how's your relationship with Kitty Softpaws going Puss? last time we checked there were wedding bells ringing

Puss smiles, and nods: Oh Kitty (sighs) that stupid fucked up bitch (laughs)

Letterman: Wow, so not well huh?

Puss (laughs): There's a reason why I wear this feathered hat now (removes feathered hat. Scars and scratches are on top of his head and some fur is ripped off).

Panchito chuckles. Puss dawns feathered hat again.

Puss death glares at Panchito

Panchito looks over and stops laughing

Letterman: So, how'd that happen?

Puss: She was nagging constantly for one thing, always telling me to go buy groceries, go to church, stop watching football and drinking beer with this idiot (points to Panchito) and do the dishes, stop treating me like I'm not there. All that bullshit. I work twelve hour days and eight hour nights. It's living hell. All she does is (air quotes) clean house. But it's always a pigsty and she just sits on the couch and eats potato chips like a fat lazy bitch.

Letterman: I see, did you get married?

Puss (nods): The honeymoon was nice, but after that, hell broke loose. She became the demanding control freaky bitch. (Pauses) We got divorced a year ago.

Panchito (nodding): Sounds like you need to talk some sense into my roommate.

Puss: Really, how?

Panchito: His girlfriend is a Neo-Nazi

Puss (smiles): Let me guess, she's one piece of work huh?

Panchito: That's not all of it! She's a loony bin, a real loco.

Puss: Sounds like this senora and Kitty could have brunch and be Facebook friends

Panchito: They already are, I hacked into her profile page. I saw her profile picture.

Puss: Really, what is it?

Panchito: Her placing a pillow over your head while you slept, sitting on it giving the tumbs up and a creepy smile. (Pulls out his phone, Kitty's Facebook page is already up) See for yourself (hands Puss the phone)

Puss: Mind if I sign you out?

Panchito: Be my guest, put my service to the test

Puss (stares at Panchito): Don't start that shit up. It drives me fucking crazy.

Panchito: Do you have to curse every other sentence?

Puss: Is Iago a parrot?

Panchito: Si

Puss: Then fuck yeah

Puss looks down at the phone and signs in Facebook. His profile name is "I am Can be Your Pussy"

Puss types a status on the phone: "Hey bitch, thanks for the view, it was great, next time remove the pillow."

A phone vibrates in the crowd

Kitty is in the crowd, she pulls out phone and reads the Facebook update

Puss is unaware that Kitty is in the audience

Kitty (screaming her head off): Oh no he didn't!

Puss (looks out into the crowd): Oh yes I (eyes grow large, out of proportion) oh shit

Kitty stage dives from the crowd and onto the stage, tackling Puss behind the chair. Kitty pins Puss down and starts beating him to pulp. Fighting ensues for several minutes. Panchito grabs his phone and records the fight.

Panchito (chuckling, his thoughts): This is going on YouTube later

Kitty: I'm going to make you bow down and submit to me! I am going to kill you, and it will very, very, violently! (Demonically as if possessed) I will rip out your heart and eat it myself

Puss pins Kitty down

Puss: Yeah (pulls out sword) that'll be the day sweetheart (stabs Kitty in the torso)

Kitty dies

Puss performs a double front flip over the chair and lands sitting down. Everyone is shocked.

Puss fixes his feathered hat which is crooked

Puss: Stupid bitch

Panchito and Letterman: Wow, that escalated quickly

Panchito: Dude, you seriously have some issues, like major issues, seriously, you're a bit backwards.

Puss: How so?

Panchito:You don't do that! (Motions to Kitty) Especially on national television!

Puss flips off camera

Panchito: See, that's what I'm talking about, you're a mad man. (Looks at me) Dude, explain, this to him.

Me: Puss

Puss: Si

Me: There are something things that you just don't do, and being a vulgar jerk, especially towards her, women, whatever, you just don't do that.

Puss: But she was-

Me: Puss, honor and dignity

Puss: Si senor (hangs his head)

Me: I hope you're happy

Puss: I was, now not so much (cries) oh my God, what have I done!

Puss leans over, Panchito comforts him

Panchito: There, there Senor Puss, it's okay, you'll go through therapy and everything will okay

Puss (sobbing): Therapy?

Panchito nods and pulls out a business card

Panchito: Here (hands Puss the business card)

Puss: What's this?

Panchito: Business card

Puss looks at business card

Puss: Walter Rat?

Panchito: Si, he's a shrink (points to Puss's head) he can help you with this problem of yours

Puss: Gracias senor

Puss puts business card in his hat, near the feather

Letterman: Well, you obviously changed a lot since 2011.

Puss (nods): I grew a set of balls for one thing. They're full of the stuff I was lacking before

Panchito: Dude!

Puss: What?

Panchito: Tone it down, just because you have an image doesn't mean that you have to carry it around in your back pocket. Show some class!

Me: He's got a point there Puss, you're a vulgar, sad, loner, who nobody really likes because you have a sick perverted mind.

Puss: I'm sorry okay, I can't change who I am though, how would you act if your family abandoned you, treated you like shit, and you were alone?

Me: Um, I'd just move on and be nice to people. Ever thought of that

Puss: I'm always nice to people

Me: You're nice to drunk people who pay you to get rid of people. You're a mercenary for drunks and a vigilante for yourself. One of these days, you're going to wind up a sad, lonely, existence. Shimmer down, man up, and shut up. Please, for the betterment of us all, clean you your act man.

Puss: Si senor

Panchito: See I told you.

Puss (looks at me): If you're so against me, then why the hell are you writing this

Me: To prove a point

Puss: What point is that exactly

Me: That people need to change, respect, honor, you know, that sort of thing

Puss: So in sort, you're saying that I'm an asshole?

I stay silent

Panchito: See, I told you, you're pretty messed up man!

Puss glares at Panchito, pauses, shrugs his shoulders

Puss: You got a point there

Letterman: Alright, so, because of this, do you have a new set of morals now?

Puss: No, more an enhanced version.

Panchito laughs

Puss turns to Panchito

Puss: What's so funny?

Panchito: That last statement of yours!

Puss (confused look on his face): No, a more enhanced version?

Panchito nods

Puss (still confused): How is that funny?

Panchito: You're a cold blooded killer senor.

Puss: 'Cold blooded' is a strong word isn't it?

Panchito: No, not really

Puss: I don't kill, I avenge

Panchito: Alright Brucey, you can go back down in your BatCave now

Puss: Whatever

Panchito: See, that's your problem! You have no soul, you're so busy in ruining other people's lives that you forgot how to live!

Puss: And I suppose you know how do that?

Panchito: More than you

Puss (huffs): I'm surprised he paired us together

Panchito: What do you mean?

Puss: Him! (Turns to me) Yo, senor! Thanks for being a dick!

Panchito: I wouldn't do that if I were you Puss

Puss (turns to Panchito): Fuck you! (Stands up in the chair and turns to me) Listen hombre, I respect you, I do, noble cause and everything. But I'm in hell right now. This is god awful! Please, make him stop, smite him, do something!

Me: Nope.

Puss removes his hat and does his famous kitten eyes

Me: That's not going to work

Puss straightens out his face, puts on his hat

Puss: Really! Why did you pair me with this idiot!

Me: Ask David Letterman

Puss turns to Letterman

Puss places both paws on the table and gets in Letterman's face

Puss: Why did you pair me with this idiot!

Letterman (smiles): Ratings

Puss: Fuck your ratings. This is torture. I can't handle (looks at Panchito) that!

Panchito is twiddling his thumbs on his phone, laughing

Puss: What are you doing now?

Panchito: Making your life a living hell!

Puss jumps from his chair to the floor and walks towards Panchito

Puss: How, as you put it, are you making my life hell?

Panchito (smiles): You didn't sign out of your Facebook

Puss (face boiling, releases his sword): Sign me out, right now, before I cut of your cock!

Panchito smiles and leans his head

Panchito: Go ahead, it's not doing me any good

Puss smiles and grabs Panchito's cock and cuts it off

Panchito (screams, his head is bleeding): Dude what the hell!

Puss holds Panchito's cock up him, tauntingly

Puss: I'm only doing what you just said

Panchito glares at him

Panchito: You little bitch! I'll kill you!

Panchito stands up and pulls out his pistols

Puss smiles and sets Panchito's cock down

Puss: That's it! You feel that sensation?

Panchito nods

Puss: That's anger, use it Panchito, let it seem and soak in, move and

Panchito roundhouse kicks Puss across the stage

Puss flies across the room

Letterman pulls out a baseball glove and catches Puss

Puss (looks at Letterman): Gracias senor

Puss stands on the table

Puss: Alright (grips his sword better) no more Mr. Nice Kitty

Puss lunges from the table, spinning forward, mid-way in the air like a drill, blade extended. He sticks the three point landing and gives Panchito a Kubrick stare (head down, eyes looking up, as if above the eye brows, in this case above the brim of the hat towards Panchito, aka the stare that badass gives when he's really ticked off).

Panchito smiles at Puss

Panchito: You'll make a fine rug cat

Puss chuckles deviously to himself, he stands, and walks towards Panchito, slowly, like a hero ready to attack the bad guy. He makes a motion with his sword, making a diagonal swipe downward, as if he is preparing for a fencing match.

Puss stops walking and raises sword, his blade touching Panchito's waist, for he only comes up about there. (Panchito is about two and half feet taller than Puss)

Puss: Here (lowers sword to Panchito's right knee) take an arrow to the knee!

Puss stabs Panchito in the knee quickly, he removes the sword and sheaths it

Panchito falls down on his good knee and screams

Puss turns, walks back to chair

Panchito: Es vergonzoso bastardo! ¿Cómo se atreve usted a sí mismo! Usted enfermo cat, diablo!

Puss turns his head slightly

Puss: Eso es correcto señor (sighs) más que sabes

Letterman: Um, can you translate that please

Puss gives Letterman the finger

Letterman: Right. Well, what did Panchito say?

Puss: He called me a devil

Letterman: And what did you say?

Puss: That he was right

Letterman: How so?

Puss: Look at me, what do you see?

Letterman (looks at Puss): A pissed off cat

Puss: Exactly

Letterman: Do you live a sheltered life?

Panchito slowly crawls back into his chair

Panchito: Si, he does, (stares at Puss) he's like a fucking recluse. He's basically the feline version of Batman and Zorro

Puss (smiles): Zorro was a bitch

Panchito laughs: Do you realize what you just said?

Puss: Si, and I don't give a fuck about Zorro, my reputation is shit anyway, after that terrible disaster (turns to Panchito). Speaking of disasters, let's talk about you're dismal failure.

Panchito groans

Panchito: Please don't, not that!

Puss (nods slowly and smiles slyly): Oh yes, this is happening. Let's start at the beginning

Puss stands, walks off the stage for a moment, only to come back, rolling out portable TV

Puss: The Three Caballeros. One of the worst movies in all of human history. A disgrace to all mankind and the literal shit of the animation industry.

Panchito (sighs loudly): Here we go

Puss: Exhibit A

Puss pulls out remote control and turns on TV

Panchito is seen coming out of box

Puss: Your entrance

Puss fast forwards

Panchito is seen holding the long note

Puss: Exhibit B. The very idea of the song is a cliché. Everything that you do, you do horribly and with absolutely no talent whatsoever.

Puss stands and bows, taking off hat and putting it back on his head

Puss: You want to sing. Fine, then sing.

Panchito raises eyebrows in confusion

Puss: You heard me senor. Stand up and fucking sing!

Panchito: You can't make me

Puss draws sword and points it at Panchito's neck

Puss: You want to dance you clucking motherfucker? Cause that can be arranged

Panchito (laughs sarcastically, looks at him with a bit of pride): Right, sure it can

Puss slices Panchito's shirt

Panchito: What the hell man! That was my favorite shirt!

Puss: It's your only shirt you disgusting wetback

Panchito: That's too far man. Too far. See that's what I'm talking about, you take things way too far. You're a crazy person.

Puss: Good. I'm about to go farther and even crazier (gives Panchito the crazy eyes)

Panchito begins shaking nervously

Puss laughs

Puss: You dare call yourself a man. Much less a Spanish one

Panchito: I'm Mexican

Puss: An intimation of a Spanish man then

Panchito: It was your fault to begin with

Puss: My fault?

Panchito nods: Si. Your people killed my people

Puss: You just had to bring _that_ up

Panchito: Oh oh, the tables have turned it seems!

Puss laughs smugly

Puss: That's what you think. You're the saddest Disney character I've ever seen. You have no job, you're a laid back stoner who constantly humiliates and makes other people's lives miserable just for the hell of it. You're also extremely annoying. Have you ever shut that motherfucking mouth of yours for one fucking second of your miserable, sad shit that is your life? No. Why? Because you're Panchito Pistoles. The rooster who thinks he's above everyone else, when he's only been in one movie that was a failure in every aspect that a movie could fail in!

Puss pauses, exhaling deeply like a cartoon

Panchito sighs a sigh of relief

Puss (smiles slyly and lifts up his paw as if to continue): And furthermore

Panchito groans

Puss: You're a terrible friend. (Turns to Panchito) When was the last time that you've even seen Donald or Jose? 5 maybe 10 years? And when you do see them, what do you do? You ruin their lives. (Puss slowly walks towards Panchito, slowly getting in his face, becoming more hostile) gets Donald can barely have a relationship with Daisy, Jose's living on the streets and all because you decided to gamble all their money on a stupid poker game in Las Vegas, which you lost, and then you sold Donald's fucking nephews to the Columbians, where they are now working seven days a week, getting raped by fucking goats while you sit in your mansion-which you stole from Castro where you keep all of your money, that you didn't earn, and also, stole. I should kill you. In fact, when this is over meet me outside so I can slit your throat, disembowel you, devour your organs slowly, hump you, then kill you!

Puss gets in Panchito's face and gives him the 'you are dead to me' stare

Panchito smiles and nods

Panchito: Alright senor, my turn

Panchito walks over to the potable TV

Panchito looks at Puss

Panchito (motions with his hands downward): Siéntate senor Boots

Puss walks over to the nearest chair and sits down smiling, tipping his hat to the rooster

Panchito puts the Puss in Boots movie in the DVD Player.

Panchito: Puss in Boots, DreamWorks's sad attempt to revive a legend. In other words Jack in the Beanstalk, if he were a fucking cat. Let's look at this (air quotes) success.

Puss smiles and nods

Puss: Si, it was dreadful

Panchito (nods): But here Puss, are the reasons why. (Clears throat) Exhibit A

Credits show up

Panchito: Antonio Banderas

Puss laughs

Panchito looks over at Puss and is surprised

Panchito: I'm glad you to see that you're laughing at yourself.

Puss: Keep going (motions paw in a circle)

Panchito nods

Panchito: Exhibit B (fast forwards to the end)

Ending of the film

Panchito: Cliché, sappy, cheesy, predictable ending to an extremely predictable movie that had cheesy, sappy, predictable characters, dialogue, story, plot, (pauses, lifts a finger to prove a point) which are entirely different by the way, (continues ranting), and this-

Footage of the 2011 Oscars

_Rango_ getting Best Animated Picture

Panchito (turns to Puss): If another shitty movie like Rango, which was also predictable, cheesy, sappy, and just plain retarded. Having almost (pauses, leans down near Puss, cuffs his hands over his mouth, projecting his voice like a megaphone) _the exact same plot_! (Stands) Then there is something going wrong because that movie (points to TV) was shit! Was does that say about you? That you are nothing but a sad sack of meat that Johnny Depp can now shit on!

Panchito turns off TV

Panchito sighs, and smiles, as if he's done

Puss (lifts paw in protest): Now that was-

Panchito: Now, on to the posters (smiles slyly towards Puss)

Puss looks at him worriedly

Puss: Posters? What's wrong with them?

Panchito pulls out promotional poster for Puss in Boots

Panchito: Exhibit C. (Points to logline "Looking Good Never Looked So Good") Corny, generic, self-centered logline. Exhibit D. (Points to DreamWorks symbol) DreamWorks. Exhibit E. (Points to "Antonio Banderas" at the top) Him. This is his sad attempt to revive his career as Zorro, but in a fucking cat form. It's pretty sad really. The only decent movie Banderas was in was Desperado and The Legend of Zorro. The sequel was shit but hey so is every sequel! (Smiles at Puss) Congratulations, on making an animated western that exactly like every other western ever! There is no originality. Everything in that movie (points to poster) has been done before. By what you ask? Let's see: Tombstone, The Unforgiven, Blazing Saddles, yeah that's right, Blazing Fucking Saddles has done this! Let's see there's more, Young Guns, Young Guns II, Zorro, Zorro again, and let's not forget western TV shows, like Bonanza, The Big Valley, Gunsmoke, The Wild West. (Looks at Puss) You see, you're not original, you're a cliché, that's what you are, a fucking cliché!

Panchito mimics Puss's pause

Puss: At least I'm a badass cliché, what cliché are you?

Panchito: Hold on, not done yet (hold breath, extends hand, freezes his face)

Puss rolls his eyes and groans

Puss: Are you done now?

Panchito: Also, you are the punk rock emo vigilante cat. Everything that you do is dark and depressing. You're the brainchild of every Metallica and A Day to Remember fan in the world because that's all you listen to. Those bands base their songs off of you. You constantly talk about how your life is hell. You complain about every little detail that goes wrong. You're a pretty pun alert, pussy who thinks that he's The Most Interesting Person in the World. That's another thing, you have an ego problem. You are self-centered, conceited, and a complete and total douchebag. You think that the world owes you something because your father died by some random Spanish explorer. Um Hello! Watch The Dark Knight Rises! Because you senor are fucking Batman that acts like Bane. You want the word to kiss your ass and lick your boots and submit to you well you sir are just an asshole. A complete, total fucking asshole. You don't give a shit about your friends. You're always making death threats to everyone just for doing the smallest of things to you, thanks to your anger management issues. You took a class with Donal' but I believed that failed. It must have because you're still pissed off about well, everything. You are also terrible at relationships. Just because you're Spanish and suave with a cool accent and a fucking cattle rod doesn't automatically make you a ladies man. You're obsessive, compulsive, controlling and have a severe case of OCD. Every morning you do the same exact thing and if you do one thing wrong or out of order then you start over. You are the most uptight, high strung feline ever. When you were born the doctor's looked at you and you flipped them off. Just like you do everybody else. It doesn't matter, your middle finger is the most used finger on your paw. Puss, you are an asshole. A fucking asshole who is a sly, sneaky, dirty rotten, backstabbing, psychopathic, murdering, schizophrenic, demon who fools the world with a stupid smug look on your face. You're the ultimate caricature of every devlish idea ironically parodying Antonio Banderas a B-rated, horrible, actor, who's only legacy is you. It's sad really, you used to be a badass, you know, back in the 16th century. Now Hollywood has made you their soft cuddly, let's make a cliché kids movie bitch. I'm sorry Puss, I really am. But as your friend, I say again. You are an asshole.

Puss smiled and clapped

Puss: Remind me to kill you later

Panchito turns and winks to Puss

Panchito bows and walks over to the chair

Puss: So, I say again, what cliché are you?

Panchito: I (closes his eyes for a second, making a prideful gesture) am the

Puss: Clown?

Panchito: uh-no

Puss: Moron?

Panchito: No!

Puss: Jackass?

Panchito: No!

Puss: Asshole?

Panchito: Isn't that the same thing? Besides, that's what you are!

Puss: Both of those statements are true, but, I like repeating curse words

Panchito: Why do you that?

Puss: Because (gets out of chair and looks at Panchito), I'm Puss in Boots and I don't give a fuck about anybody

Panchito: Which makes you a horrible person

Puss: It makes me mysterious

Panchito: You're an egotistical prick!

Puss: And you are monumental pain in the world's ass!

Letterman: Alright guys, simmer down

Puss and Panchito glare at each other and flip each other off at the same time

They take their seats

Letterman: Alright that about wraps it up folks! Goodnight

Cameraman turns camera off

Panchito and Puss look at each other smiles slightly

Panchito: So, want to get a beer?

Puss (shrugs shoulders): Sure

Letterman walks over to them

Letterman: What the hell! You guys stole the show! I'm the star here, it's called The David Letterman Late Show for a fucking reason!

Puss and Panchito stand, ignoring him

Letterman: Hello! Are you guys listening?

Panchito and Puss turn to the crowd who are cheering and applauding them

They both bow

Letterman walks over to them, places his hand on Panchito's shoulder

Letterman: What the hell do you think you're going!

Puss releases his sword, aiming it at Letterman's torso

Puss raises an eyebrow, daring him to continue

Letterman smiles and punches Panchito in the face

Panchito staggers

Panchito: Dude what the hell!

Letterman punches Panchito again

Letterman: You stole my ratings!

Panchito: We played you jackass, it was all set up!

Letterman punches Panchito again

Letterman: Why!

Panchito: Exposure duh!

Letterman punches Panchito again

Panchito: Is that all you got?

Letterman punches Panchito again

Panchito grabs Letterman's arm trying to stop the punch

Letterman smiles and punches Panchito again with the other arm

Panchito's face is bloody and he staggers backwards a bit

Panchito shakes the feeling off and tries to fight back but Puss steps in the way

Puss: That's it you die tonight you egoistical motherfucker!

Puss pounces onto Letterman, clawing, biting, stabbing, and beating him

Cameraman turns the camera back on and keeps filming, they are still on the air

Cameraman (to himself): This is pure gold!

Puss continuously punches Letterman in the face

Letterman is bleeding, slowly drifting into critical condition

Security guards come up and try to drag Puss off Letterman. Panchito rushes and pulls Puss off Letterman

Panchito picks up Puss

Puss (fighting Panchito's grip): Get your paws off me I'm not finished with this bastardo yet!

Panchito: Easy amigo, not big deal

Panchito sits Puss down

Letterman slowly gets up, security guards rush to help him

Puss brushes himself off

Puss: Now then (clears throat) where was I, oh yes!

Puss pounces on Letterman again

Puss continues beating him up

Security guards get into the fight

Puss begins fighting the security guards

Panchito rushes in and starts punching the security guards in the face, knocking them out each time saying: Lo siento! My apologies!

Puss was laughing, and behaving as if were in bar fight

Puss: ¡Bienvenidos al infierno! (Puss begins to drill security guards with his blade, slashing them to pieces)

Panchito pulls Letterman out of the carnage and brushes him off

Panchito: Sorry about him, he's a little protective of me, I'm the only friend he's got really

Letterman: Why didn't you guys talk about that during air time?

Panchito (smiles): I told you before, ratings

Letterman smiles and turns towards camera. It's still on.

Letterman: Well, goodnight folks.

Cameraman turns camera off and gives Letterman a thumbs up

Letterman nods

Puss kills the last security guard

Puss cleans his blade and looks at Letterman evilly

Pus flips Letterman off and walks out saying nothing

Panchito laughs and follows Puss

Panchito: Come on, let's go get a doughnut I'm starving

Letterman smiles and laughs watching them leave

Letterman: Oh those two kill me

Puss and Panchito walk out. Panchito opens the door and leaves first

Puss turns back towards Letterman

Panchito leaves

Puss does the "I'm keeping my eye on you gesture" (index and middle finger in a v, towards his eyes and then towards Letterman, he does this twice)

Letterman shivers

Puss gives Letterman the double middle finger (flips him off with both paws)

Panchito peers his head, and laughs

Panchito: Come on Brucey

Panchito grabs Puss's head with one hand, lifting him up. Puss puts down his paws and rolls his eyes looking a bit annoyed, hating being handled like this. Panchito places him outside of the door and walks away.

Puss keeps constant eye contact with Letterman, giving him the evil eye

Panchito grabs Puss's cape and pulls it.

Puss pulls it back and stares at him and walks away, disappearing from view

Puss walks backwards slowly, flipping Letterman off.

Puss walks forwards slowly, still flipping him (Letterman) off.

Puss then disappears but extends his paw back, flipping Letterman off one final time.

###

End Scene


End file.
